May. 2nd, 2016

cassaclyzm: (I do say...)
I am not a happy Cass.

This has been a tough couple of years for me. The past few months in particular have felt very "what's the point?" I hate my job. Call centres are the perfect blend of stressful and boring. I spend all of my energy dealing with people and don't even get the rush of doing something mentally stimulating.

But outside of that I have a general ennui that is preventing me from doing... pretty much anything but drag myself to work and back. It's too scary and too much effort to invest myself in anything. Not just creating things, either - I find myself shying away from getting invested in narratives. Books, TV shows - they threaten to take too much of what little energy I have.

So I talked to my doctor, I have an appointment at CAMH in a week and a half. Hopefully I can explain what's happening in my brain well enough to get some strategies.

I've been feeling a little better lately - like I actually can start making some plans and stuff? I've even managed to adult enough to purchase a new couch. I got my tax return and have been mulling over what I'm going to do with my apartment to make it feel like a more put together space. My folks are coming in early July and I want the place to feel inviting.

And then I get an email today from my landlord. Due to "bad circumstances" at his current place (my bet: a breakup) he needs to move in to my place on July 1st.

...

Just.

FUCK.

So of course I've spent the three hours since I got off work whipping through various stages of grief at breakneck speeds, and looking up apartment prices, and realizing that JESUS FUCK living in this city is expensive and suddenly I'm going to either be living in the boonies or paying an extra 200-300$ in rent - not even to move up in the world, just to tread water - and all for what? So I can keep waking up and dragging myself to a job I hate and dragging myself home and dreading the next day, week, month, year of neverending samey bullshit?

I'm tired. I'm sad.

But it's probably a good thing this happened today. Because today I woke up with a little flame in me. It's not something I've felt in a while. Today, before any of this happened, I felt like: "Come at me, universe. I'm ready for you. Fight me."

And it did.

And even though I am 100% going to go cry into a McDonald's meal this evening as a result, not even McTears can put out that little flame.

So, universe. I'mma say it again.

COME AT ME. I DARE YOU.

I'M READY FOR YOU.

FUCKING FIGHT ME.

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cassaclyzm

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